Praying for Peace

Today has been the hardest day since Hollis arrived. Sam woke up multiple times last night and was throwing fits and I’m just dang tired.

This morning I wondered if I even want to continue to breastfeed. My nipples hurt and sometimes Hollis and I just have the hardest time getting situated. He’ll nurse for a good 30-45 minutes and still act hungry so we’ve been supplementing with a bottle. It’s frustrating to spend all that time with him nursing to then have to do that afterwards. I still wonder if we’ve got a good latch and as he’s eating, I’m continuously compressing my boob trying to help him get a little more hoping that when he’s done, he’ll be satisfied and won’t be rooting around for more! My nips can only take so much and all that compressing isn’t helping that carpal tunnel from pregnancy go away!

The thought of giving up so soon makes me feel guilty. Will I think it’s my fault when he gets sick? Should I have tried harder? Am I just wanting to take the easy way out? And is it OK for me to want to do that? Am I being selfish for kind of just wanting my body back? Do I want to pay for formula for a year? I know for a fact I don’t want to pump exclusively for 6 months again. Eff that! So how long do I try? What’s OK? I know that no one can really help me make this decision. I know it’s mine to make and I know that either way, I am a good mom. I know that either way my husband supports me. I know that either way, Hollis will grow up to be a healthy, thriving, loved little boy! But I still dream of being the mom who can breastfeed comfortably, enjoyably and relatively easy. Does this exist? I’m sure it does! Ya know - the mom who can nurse her baby somewhat discreetly in public? Who’s never had to use a pump or a bottle because things just worked.

I pray for peace as I contemplate what is best for me, my baby and my family.