It's Not You, It's Me
I took some time in January to really reevaluate our relationship. I became aware of many things that I thought were for me, but were actually against me. Sometimes love is about exposing hard truths. And the truth is... You were sucking my time. My joy. My peace. You were stealing my emotions, both good and bad. You were putting nagging expectations on me when I didn't even know it. You created dependency and anxiety.
I want our relationship to be intentional, not default. For us both to live in our happiness, independently and together. Since I am aware that I cannot change you - because you are an inanimate object - the work is mine to do.
It's Not You, It's Me.
Here is the most profound thing I realized :
My phone was stealing my emotions - both the good and the bad. We all know that scrolling is a way to zone out and numb our feelings, but we typically think of that in the context of pushing out or avoiding emotions like stress and anxiety*. However, I also found myself reaching for my phone in times of pure joy to take a picture, savoring the moment forever so it may live on forever. In both cases, with my phone now in hand, my emotions were almost immediately taken back to a neutral state.
I was avoiding the feelings that were less pleasurable for me and therefore not allowing myself to name them, process them effectively and learn and grow from those experiences. In contrast, I was limiting my own feelings of pure joy and bliss.
The The Untethered Soul explains:
"Two kinds of experiences can occur that block the heart. You are either trying to push energies away because they bother you, or you are trying to keep energies close because you like them. In both cases, you are not letting them pass, and you are wasting precious energy by blocking the flow through resisting and clinging. The alternative is to enjoy life instead of clinging to it or pushing it away. The heart is the place through which energy flows to sustain you. This energy inspires you and raises you. It is the strength that carries you through life."
Do I want to go through life continuously resisting and clinging? Or live a life of love and inspiration?
*I purposely did not use the phrase bad/negative emotions because I hold tightly to the believe that emotions are neither good nor bad. Emotions just ARE. Emotions are simply energy in motion.
Do you find yourself continuously resisting and clinging?