My Mom Has Cancer
February 2018 was full of amazing things. I celebrated my 30th birthday at the spa with my bestie, submitted our final debt payment, worked my last days at my very first big girl job and finally got back on a mountain!!
It was also one of the scariest months of my life. A fear showed up that I've never known before and a feeling I wish no one would ever have to know. Anger. Straight up pissed-off-ness at God. I dealt with this the best way I knew how. I sat on my deck, cried and wrote. As I revisit that day, tears are rolling off of my face and my nose sounds like I just ate a jalapeno pepper.
Saturday Morning
A lot of my Saturday mornings start with coffee and Facetime with Mom. This morning was no different. Except it was. I was up at 6, got my tea and sat in my new magical library to journal, pray and read my devotional. I prayed for God’s guidance as I start this new life. I prayed for those affected by infertility. I prayed for Zeb and his family and for a miracle. I prayed that mom’s test results come back with good news.
Samson woke up! I love Saturday mornings. No hurry to be anywhere. We just get to play and hang out a little! Samson was having so much fun playing with balloons and he was being so cute!! So I Facetimed Mom and asked if she’d heard.
Mom: “Not the results I was wanting to hear.”
Me: “Cancer?”
Mom: “Yes. I have a follow-up appointment in Wichita on March 2nd.”
Me: “I will plan on going.”
What. The. Hell. Is this even real? I kept my shit together while we were still connected on Facetime and we talked about some other stuff. When I hung up, I crawled in bed with Drew and said, “My mom has cancer.”
My mom has cancer. That's all we know.
I packed up my stuff and headed over to Glen Elder for my group workout. My first ever Fit Club group workout. This workout wasn’t just a workout, it signified the kickoff to my new life! My new everything! How excited I was!! My mom has cancer?? NO GOD! NOT TODAY! NOT EVER!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!
Randy helped me get my computer hooked up. I asked him, “Are you ok, Randy? You seem a little grumpy.” To which he responded, “It’s Saturday and I’m working! I’m always grumpy on Saturday.” To which my mind responded, “Well I just found out that my mom has cancer.” I decided to keep that to myself for fear that I might break down with that snarky comment.
As I set up, I thought I’d put on some upbeat music, but also remembering where I was. A Christian cafe. I was even a little nervous about Christian Hip-Hop thinking it might freak out the elderly patrons of the cafe. I tried 90s Pop Radio. Sorry TLC, had to turn you off. For King & Country Radio? Yep - I’ll try that. As I moved tables and chairs out of the way & got my sign-in/goodie table set up, these lyrics squeezed my heart.
The things of earth are dimming in the light of your Glory & Grace.
I’ll set my my sights upon Heaven. I’m fixing my eyes on you.
Find faith in the battle. Stand tall but above it all.
I will. Because it’s all that I can do.
It’s a good thing Shay showed up. Because I was about to fall to my knees in tears. Distraction. Thank the Lord.
Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.
